Like a lot of people – dare I say most people – meeting a challenge or an uncomfortable situation head-on doesn’t come naturally to me.

Not at all. It sucks.

My natural state is stressed out. It’s not great or healthy, but it’s just the way I am and the way I’ve always been. I’m that one person who is probably like one step away from a serious grump fit.

So naturally you can imagine that anything that requires a bunch of work (that isn’t for school) or talking to strangers is just going to be the worst. It’s just adding more weight to the already super heavy pile of stressors that exist in my life. Which is mean to my brain, and you should never be mean to your brain.

My latest thing? Insulin pumps.

It’s been a few months since I’ve been officially “diagnosed” as insulin dependent. I’m currently on MDI, which is fine, but not perfect. I know I’ve avoided doing certain things because I fear a hypo, and  I’m getting tiny knobs of tissue at certain injection sites that are absolutely excruciating if I try to inject. Gross.

Note to self: rotate your sites more. Like, really.

I do a minimum of 4 injections a day, but sometimes up to 7 if I’m having a crap day full of high blood sugars.

So I decided over the summer to look into pumping in earnest. I started grad school this week, and I figured back then it would be a good idea to start pumping because school is a stupid place for rigid medical regimens. I contacted company after company and used a fax machine more times than I’ve ever even thought about this dinosaur piece of technology.

I got answers about cost, insurance coverage, user friendliness, all kinds of stuff. Eventually I narrowed it down to one pump, the Asante Snap, that I wanted to demo and I let my CDE know that was my plan.

Over a month ago.

I never scheduled the demo. I never called the pump rep who has emailed me multiple times asking to get in contact.

And I feel really guilty about it. I’m scared.

I’m scared I won’t be able to afford it. I’m scared I’m going to lose coverage for it once I get kicked from my dad’s health insurance. Lots of insurance companies are not pump-friendly for Type 2s. At least not without a major battle, which I simply do not have time to fight right now.

I’m scared of having to spend lots of time learning how to use it when I should be studying for my grad classes.

I’m scared of even getting on the phone with the rep to set up the demo with my CDE.

I don’t know why I’m so apprehensive and why I’m throwing up all these reasons not to do it.

Sometimes growing up means you have to make decisions for yourself, but a small part of me wishes I was still a kid and this issue was decided for me.