Sometimes diabetes makes me feel like shit. Not just physically, but emotionally, because the full weight of having this disease can add to an already teetering and very heavy pile of stress you have to cart around in your everyday life.
Bills? Let’s add several hundred more dollars to that.
Errands? Job? Chores? Other things in your day? Let’s add 6-10 BG checks, diligent meal planning, insulin dosing, pill organizing, and general fussing with insurance and doctors to that.
Let’s add guilt, stress, fear, anger, and sadness specifically about your health, to an already overtaxed camel lugging around your other emotional baggage.
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life, but let’s go ahead and pile on more.
Tonight, let’s add a side of guilt to the main dish of stress. The issue: money. I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach because I feel like an immense burden to my family and my S.O. This disease is so expensive to cover, I’m averaging about $150/month on just diabetes supplies. Not including copays, lab fees and miscellaneous other fees that seem to sneak up on you. And I want to start pump therapy so this is going to increase. I rely on my father’s health insurance and financial assistance to fund keeping me alive. In addition to this I need money for school. Lots of it…like tens of thousands of dollars. (Hello Sallie Mae….)
I desperately want to work, but no one wants to hire me seasonally and I can’t work during grad school. Or at least the program director highly discourages it. But I might need to risk it. I feel like in some ways I deserve the struggle.
I know, intellectually, I can’t allow myself to be bitter and angry…with myself. I think, maybe if I did something differently I wouldn’t need insulin, I wouldn’t need to be hemorrhaging money from my family and my own savings account just to live.
It’s the classic Type 2 on insulin guilt trip.
I would never say that to another struggling Type 2, because again, intellectually, I know this is false. Diabetes will progress the way it progresses, and your body needs what it needs. It’s not a character flaw, it says nothing about your intelligence or ability to take care of yourself, it’s just the nature of the beast to evolve your treatment plan as the beast evolves.
Personally, I think it’s okay to feel bad sometimes. I don’t mean I encourage feeling awful, I think you need to keep yourself positive for the most part, so you don’t fall into a long bout of sad. But I think it’s acceptable, and you shouldn’t feel bad about feeling bad. The best thing to do is acknowledge it while keeping in mind, guilt and shame do nothing for you. Except maybe give you a stress ulcer, but I’m assuming that’s counterproductive.
Feeling guilty about being Type 2 won’t make it go away, feeling ashamed that you need to be on insulin doesn’t make your pancreas secrete more.
It’s okay to feel sad sometimes, but for the most part, try to let yourself be happy and live your life. You deserve it.